You can be a mother without having a child. I’ve been mothering for a long time – probably my entire life. I’ve mothered my younger siblings, friends, relationships, nieces, nephews, dogs and sometimes I’ve mothered my mother.
But I’m not a mother in the traditional sense. I don’t have any children – unless my husband and dog count 
Just kidding Dan is a grown ass man…most of the time.
I’m a dog mother and I love it.
I worry about others, I take their needs into consideration and I guide, nurture, care for, support and love them.
I am not a mother and yet I am exactly a mother. I “mother” the shit out of the people I love. The fact that no one calls me mom doesn’t change that.
Mothering doesn’t have to be biological or even to be someone’s mother. It means being of service. It’s how you show up in the world.
There are women who choose not to become mothers. There are women who want to be a mother, but it’s not in the cards for them. They may have another calling.
The beautiful thing is that whether you’re a mother, mother figure, grandmother, aunt, sister, neighborhood mom, teacher, friend – show yourself some love today (and EVERYDAY) for all of the mothering that you do. You’re impacting people’s lives with your encouragement, comfort, and love. The world needs more of that for sure!
So let’s celebrate the act of mothering! What it means at its core and to all the people who do it with and without the official title. I can almost guarantee that it’s not just one person. It takes a village. Be part of the village.
xoxo,
Shawna
I’ve lost friends before – we’ve grown apart, we’ve had disagreements, we just went our separate ways, but I’ve never had a friend die. I’ve learned a lot about friendship since losing Mark.
I’ve learned that I’ll never be able to make sense of his death. I’ll always be sad that he’s gone. I will purposefully try to keep his memory alive. I will remember him. I will tell great stories about him. I will try to live my life as generous and caring as he was, as my way to honor him. I will continue to find positive ways to remember him.
I’ve learned it’s ok to be sad. It’s ok to cry. I’m crying as I write this. I miss my friend. In the past I would have pushed the grief aside and said that I was only his friend, I shouldn’t be so upset. I would have denied that I was grieving too. I’ve been crying since September 12th. I will continue to cry. It’s ok. It’s part of the process.
I’ve learned to allow my feelings. No matter what they are. I have to work through them. I can’t just push them aside. If I’m sad, I cry. My advice for you is to just know what you’re feeling. Sit with it. Feel it. It’s the best way to move through it.
I’ve learned that I want to reconnect with friends. One of the good things that came over the last two months is that I have reconnected with so many friends that I haven’t seen in a long time. Life gets busy and the next thing you know it’s been 11 years since you’ve seen them. Crazy! Eleven years, but it’s true. Facebook helps us stay in touch, but it’s no substitute for a phone call or a hug or a 3-hour lunch just catching up. I want this. I want to catch up. I want to see your faces.
I’ve learned why friendships run their course. People come into our lives to teach us something or show us something. Some friendships last a lifetime, others for only a short time. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure out where some friendships went wrong. When in reality they lasted as long as they were supposed to.
After Mark’s death I ran into my former best friend unexpectedly. We haven’t seen each another in many years. We never had a fight or anything bad, we just went our separate ways. It has been a mystery for a long time about what happened. Where did the friendship go?
After seeing him, I finally realized that he made decisions to be with the person he loved. She did not understand our friendship. So, in order for him to have a chance at the happiness he wanted, that we all want, he made a decision to walk away from his friendships that he couldn’t sustain.
I can now see that if we could have had a conversation about his needing to end our friendship and pursue the love of his life, I never would have stood in his way; I would have wished him well and moved on. Our friendship was real and we had a great time. But after seeing him and talking about how devastated and shocked we were about Mark’s death, I felt peace. I understood there was no animosity between us. Our friendship had run its course and it had ended. We simply moved on with our lives. I was happy to see him. I wish nothing but his continued happiness.
I’ve learned to be grateful for the memories. I think of all the good times I’ve had with all my friends – past and present – and smile about the memories we’ve made. I’m so grateful to have so many wonderful people in my life. I’m always telling our stories.
I’ve learned that I’ve made mistakes. I’m not perfect. My intentions were never malicious. But I am human. I still think of all the great stories from the past and I smile.
I’ve learned to tell people how much they mean to me. I was lucky to have spent time with Mark about a month before he died. We spent the night laughing and reminiscing about our younger days. I now know this is how he wants me to remember him. He knows I love him and I know he loves me. Nothing was left unsaid. I found great peace in that.
So here’s what I want all of you to know…I love you! I loved then and I love you now. We may not see each other all the time but you are always in my heart.
My wish for you all is that you take one thing from what I’ve learned and apply it to your life. Reach out to an old friend and have lunch or make that overdue phone call. Let go of wondering why friendships didn’t last and just smile and be thankful for the memories. And most importantly know how incredibly blessed you are to be have these people in your life for as long as you have them.
Valentine’s Day isn’t about flowers, chocolate, jewelry, fancy dinners or whether you’re in a relationship or not. It’s about giving and showing love.
Give love to yourself. Do something nice just for you. Do something that has no purpose other than to make you happy. Do something that doesn’t check anything off your to do list. Take a walk, do something you really enjoy, paint, listen to your favorite music, go to a movie, take a nap, get a massage, sit in silence…whatever you decide – enjoy it.
Give love to your family. Tell your parents, kids, grandparents, friends, significant others that you love them. It doesn’t have to be with a chocolate heart 
or flowers. Just a call them, hug them, spend time with them. When I was a little girl my dad put “Love Notes” in the Washington Post for me. It was the greatest thing ever and I loved every one.
Give love to others. Be kind to your neighbors, co-workers or strangers. Hold the door for someone, help a neighbor shovel their driveway, check on an elderly neighbor, smile at the cashier at the grocery store, have a little extra patience during a frustrating situation. It doesn’t take much on your end, but it could mean the world to someone else.
Valentine’s Day isn’t for lovers (that’s what Virginia is for). It’s just for love. So spread love today and every day. Let Love Rule!!
]]>
This year I didn’t go Christmas shopping or buy lots of gifts, I didn’t send Christmas cards, I didn’t put my tree up or decorate outside. Some may say I’m bah humbug – but it’s actually the opposite. I’m very much in the Christmas spirit but this year I decided to do things differently.
I put up a small tree that reminds me of my grandma. I donated to several great charities, I adopted a child in need with my co-workers and made his Christmas brighter, I will spend the most valuable thing I have, my time, with the people I love the most. I will miss those that I can’t be with and I will make lots of memories. I will cherish seeing the Christmas magic through my niece and nephews eyes. I will be grateful for all the things I have that money can’t buy.
So on this Christmas Eve, instead of running around trying to get it “all” done, I invite you to try to sit back and enjoy the holiday, find the small miracles that make this holiday so special. Forget the list and go for the feeling!
I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
]]>
Almost 20 years ago, I suffered through the worst heartbreak of my life. It was really, really bad. At that time, I had been dating my now ex-boyfriend for 7 ½ years. I thought we were going to get married and live happily ever after…until I found out he was cheating on me with a much older woman and she was pregnant. CRASH! There it was – my life crashing all around me. I was devastated and humiliated. That was the best thing that ever happened to me.
I can say that now, but it took me some time to get here. I spent months sitting on the edge of my sister’s bed at night crying and asking why. I cried myself to sleep for months. I prayed. I thought my life was over…all my plans went down the drain. Eventually, I came out of my dark bedroom, with my super puffy red eyes, sniffling and I was ready to start living again.
I changed jobs, graduated from college, started dating again (some good, some not too good), and began having fun with my friends again. It was like trying to peddle a bike from the bottom of the hill. At first, you can’t peddle at all, but once you get going, you can make it to the top. Or sometimes you just need to get off the damn bike and walk the damn thing up the hill. Either way, I made it to the top.
I emerged a changed person. I wasn’t humiliated or devastated or embarrassed. I was strong, a little more confident, a lot more “I’m not taking anyone’s shit” and ready to move on. I learned so much from this experience and I wouldn’t change that.
I learned that I deserved better. I learned that I shouldn’t settle and I vowed to wait for Mr. Right or Mr. Morrow as it would end up.
I learned that my grandmother was right – she would always say that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger; God never gives you more than you can handle; and what goes around comes around. Truer words have never been spoken.
I learned that the universe gives you exactly what you ask for, but it may not happen the way you want it to, but ultimately you get what you ask for. I used to pray, beg and plead with God to bring that boyfriend back to me but the only thing I could not handle was if he were to have a baby with someone else. Well, you already know how that worked out. But at that time, it was the only thing that would keep me out of a dysfunctional and unhealthy relationship. The universe delivered a very clear message to me – STAY AWAY FROM HIM! And delivered a baby boy to him, but back to my point. OK, OK, I got it now.
For many years I’ve known that this heartbreak experience was the best thing that ever happened to me. First and most importantly, I now have the greatest husband I could ever have imagined. He loves me more than I ever thought possible and he treats me with respect. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted and he’s made my dreams come true! I may not have truly appreciated how great Dan is if I hadn’t been through such a bad heartbreak. But let me tell you, I appreciate him every day.
Second, as Marilyn Monroe said, “Sometimes bad things have to fall apart so better things can fall together.” 
Third, I needed to learn that shit happens in life. It’s not fair, but I eventually picked myself up and I moved on.
So imagine my surprise when after almost 20 years I got a Facebook message from the woman that my ex-boyfriend cheated with – his now wife. She wanted me to know that he cheated on her – again, and this time the woman started throwing my name around in that circus. All I could think was “Oh, HELL NO!”
So first off, I’m not friends with this woman. She and I used to be friends when she was cheating with my boyfriend, but as you can imagine that friendship dissolved pretty quickly when I found out they were having a relationship on the side. That’s the nicest way I’ve ever described that situation. High 5 to me!! Sorry back to my point…
So my initial reaction was to be pissed off that these crazy people keep trying to drag me back into their dysfunctional dramatic life. Then, I felt compassion for all of them. Wow!
That was different. I truly felt true, honest, heartfelt compassion for her, him and their child.
I feel sorry for my ex that he’s so fundamentally unhappy with himself that he can’t be faithful to anyone.
I feel compassion for her because she thought that she was getting a great guy and was going to have a happy family. She didn’t get what she wanted and he’s been cheating on her the whole time.
I feel compassion for their son because he is growing up in an unhappy household and doesn’t understand.
I feel free and blissfully happy. I am so grateful that I’m not living that life and that I made the decision to leave a long time ago. I’m so grateful that I’m no longer angry, hurt, or sad for what happened or for the loss of my “plans”. Thank God those plans didn’t work. I was astonished and impressed that I was able to be compassionate towards her. I told her I was sorry to hear this and I wished her and her son the peace and happiness that they deserved.
I’m reminded of the Tibetan loving kindness meditation:
May you be well.
May you be happy.
May you be free from suffering.
What I want to share is that life can be hard, it can be rocky at times and you might not be able to see a way that the situation could ever be better. Dramatic, I know, but we have all had moments where we have thought that. Everything is happening FOR your benefit. It’s not happening to you, it’s happening for you. I didn’t believe that 20 years ago, but as I look at my incredible life, with my amazing husband and wonderful family, I know this is true. You can find the good things in bad situations. Sometimes you will have to look really hard, but I’ll bet if you try, you can find one thing to be thankful for.
Good things happen after the rain. Keep your head up and keep moving forward. You only need to take one step at a time. If I can do it, so can you.
]]>
This was always an exciting time for me. I loved school. I was always so excited to find out who my new teacher was going to be. My favorite things about going back to school were getting a new box of Crayola 64 and getting a new lunch box. I loved the excitement of going back to school. As I’ve gotten older, I still live according to the school calendar. I LOVE summertime, even though I have to work. I’m excited in August for the crayons and lunchbox purchases.
Here’s my take on the school year and my words of wisdom.
I want to wish all the teachers who are groaning about going back to work (you know who you are) a smooth transition back into the real world that the rest of us have been living in all summer. I also applaud each and every one of you for making a positive difference in a child’s life. You make lasting impressions that carry kids through their lives. Almost every person can remember their elementary school teacher’s names. What does that tell you? That you make a HUGE difference. A good teacher can lift kids up to heights they didn’t know were possible. Thank you for doing what you do! It’s not an easy job, but I’m glad that you do it. To my sister, sister-in-law, and all my teacher friends keep up the good work. I couldn’t do your job, so thank you.
I want to wish the kids a fantastic school year filled with excitement, discovery, new friends and happy memories. Be fearless in your learning and have fun! Be kind to your classmates – everyone needs a friend. Be strong and don’t join in when other kids are being mean. Kids can be cruel – you don’t have to be like them. Stand up for what you believe is right, even if it’s not the popular thing to do. Show them what courage to be you looks like. You are perfect just the way you are and you’re going to have a great year!
I want to wish the parents a year filled with patience for the meltdowns, strength for the tough times, lots of tissues for the first day and lots of batteries for your cameras to capture everything – these years will fly by fast. Capture every moment, even if it annoys your kids now, they will love them later.
Take time to listen to their stories when they get home every day. Nothing else is more important than taking the time to listen and joining in on their excitement. You may think you have more important things to do, but let me assure you that you don’t. The dishes can wait. The chores can wait. The baths can wait. Everything can wait. And if it doesn’t get done – that’s ok. The most important investment you can make is in those little people and building who they will become.
Don’t wish this time away. It will be gone in the blink of any eye. Write down the sweet, funny things that they say or do. One day you will have forgotten these moments and when you find the journal or notebook or word document, you’ll be so thankful that you took the time to write them down.
Encourage them. Your voice becomes their inner voice whether you think so or not. Be supportive and encouraging. Let them know they can be anything they want to be. Teach them that hard work pays off and it’s not always about getting the right answer, it’s about being willing to raise your hand and try. It’s ok to try something and it not work out. That’s how we learn. All too often parents want to make their kids’ lives easy and want to prevent them from ever feeling disappointment. That’s understandable, but News Flash – that’s how kids learn. They learn by trying and falling and getting up and trying again. What if they were never allowed to fall when they were learning to walk? They would never know how to get back up and try walking. They would never walk if we picked them up and carried them after the first fall. Remember this when they don’t make the team or fail a test or have a fall out with a friend or don’t get the lead in the school play. None of this is failing – it’s learning. Not everyone gets a trophy and that’s ok. You just try harder next time. There’s always a next time. These are the moments that they take with them into adulthood. It all starts right here, right now. Enjoy every moment! They are watching you and how to behave and what you say. Make it meaningful and positive. You are their greatest teacher.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to get a new box of Crayola’s and a lunch box. Happy school year!!!
]]>