My friend, Beth Wonson, mentioned self-respect and blind respect in a Facebook post the other day and they hit me like a lightning bolt! WOW! This is the choice that we face every day…multiple times a day… do we honor ourselves or sit and take it.
This is a concept that I’ve been unravelling for myself for months now. I realized that I had been living my life feeling like I was in a no-win situation or a bind.
I define a bind as a situation where no matter what you do someone will be unhappy. I’ve come to see this is just life, but I’ve spent my life trying to do the right thing AND not make anyone unhappy. That’s impossible! And yet, I didn’t realize that until a few months ago.
But here’s the really crazy thing, I was so convinced that if I could do the right thing and make everyone happy around me – I, too, would be happy. WRONG!
I was miserable. I was silencing myself to not upset anyone. I was trying so hard to go unnoticed so I wouldn’t contradict, disappoint, disagree or even fight with others, I actually made myself sick. Not so much sick as fat…I made myself fat. It’s ironic how I was trying to become smaller to be more acceptable and I ended up bigger…
All the deafening silence comes at a price. Alcohol, drugs, shopping, sex, or in my case, food becomes the soothing for the pain of being silent. This is what happens when we choose blind respect over self-respect someone pays the price and that someone is you!
The underlying message in that other people’s comfort is more important that your truth.
Let that sink in for a moment…if you are silencing yourself so other people don’t get upset then you are telling the world that everyone is more important than you are.
WOW!
We have been programmed in our culture that it’s not ok to use our voice if that means others may be uncomfortable. It’s best if we sit quietly and die a little on the inside so we don’t disrupt or disturb anyone. Go home and cry into your pillow, but don’t take a stand.
Every time you choose to not stand up for yourself or what you believe, you make the choice that others are more important than you are.
You must be willing to be vulnerable and courageous to stand up.
- Are you willing to potentially hurt someone’s feelings because you don’t want to go out with them or will you drink yourself into a blackout on your date so you don’t hurt their feelings?
- Will you send back food that’s not properly prepared because you don’t want to make a big deal about it? Or will you choke it down anyway?
- Will you stand up for someone being treated unfairly or poorly or will you walk away because its none of your business?
- Will you walk out of a restaurant because you feel the discussion is disrespectful or will you stay and endure the soul crushing words because you don’t want to hurt their feelings?
- Will you stay in a relationship that’s hurting you because you’re afraid no one else will love you and you’ll be alone?
- Are you willing to stand up and tell someone that you don’t appreciate the way they’re speaking to you or will you sit there and let them word vomit all over you?
What will it take for you to choose self-respect over not wanting to be rude?
Are you willing to be called names and be judged by others?
Because when you take a stand, people will judge you and have VERY strong opinions about you in an attempt to get you back in line and stay quiet. They will attack you, your words, your actions, your appearance, your character, your family and more… It’s not right, but that’s what happens. If you dare to make them uncomfortable, they will strike out at you.
They will call you names and say you’re rude, hurtful or disrespectful.
Are you willing to stand up for yourself in the face of opposition?
My answer is HELL YES! Because what other people think about me is none of my business and I’m tired of living my life to please them.
So, if they think I’m stupid, naive, rude, disrespectful, hateful, hurtful, disgusting, mean or whatever else they will try to throw at me to silence me…I say “OK. So what?”
That’s their opinion. They’re entitled to their opinion and I KNOW that I am none of those things. They can think whatever they want about me…I’m not going to sit down and be quiet about things that truly matter to me…at least not anymore.
No matter what you do, someone will ALWAYS be upset about it. You have to choose – love for yourself or the comfort of others.
I choose love for myself ?
xoxo,
Shawna
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You can’t have one without the other.As I’m catching up on the Grammy Awards from last night, a few things jump out at me. Beyoncé’s performance, Adele’s starting over and Bruno Mars Prince tribute, just to name a few. All three put a tremendous amount of love into their performances and it took an unbelievable amount of courage to do it.
The internet was a blaze with love and criticism of Beyoncé. Some loved her and said she set their world on fire and others felt she was self-absorbed and showboating. I’m confused, isn’t that what entertaining is all about – showboating?? I digress.
What I love about Beyoncé is that she’s not making her music to please everyone. No, she’s doing what she loves, what she’s good at and what is relevant in her eyes. She’s not trying to fit into a box and get our gold stars of approval. She doesn’t need them. She’s doing what is meaningful to her and if that resonates with people – great! That mindset requires a lot of love and courage. And you can’t have either one of those without vulnerability.
Whether you loved it or hated it, one can see the courage it takes to step on stage in front of millions of people and take a risk to showcase her art. WOW! The vulnerability it takes to create it and the courage it takes to share it are off the charts.
Adele was equally amazing. She started a tribute for George Michael and stopped after a few seconds and asked to restart. WHAT??? Apparently, she made some kind of mistake (that I didn’t notice). But she knew and she wanted to deliver the purest performance for her friend, so she stopped, cussed, apologized and said I need to restart. I don’t know that I’ve ever seen anything like that before. Total badass in my eyes!
Why? For the love of her friend. She wanted to get it exactly right for him. Now that’s love.
It also took a tremendous amount of courage and vulnerability…are you seeing a theme? To stop a live performance, admit a mistake and request a do over was so incredible to me. She was willing to risk the criticism, bad publicity, negativity – just to honor her friend the way she wanted. The way she felt he deserved to be honored. Absolutely unbelievable!
Bruno Mars rocked the Prince tribute! I was blown away! To dress like a legend, sing his music and honor his legacy took so much…you guessed it… love, courage and vulnerability. I would argue that his performance was the riskiest of them all because he dared to, not just imitate, but to emulate Prince. If you’re a Prince fan and someone screws up the tribute – they will be roasted for life! Bruno Mars didn’t let that stop him! He put on one hell of a performance that everyone loved!
Each of these artists showed their love, courage and vulnerability in very different ways. When I think about what they’ve done I realized that it’s how I want to live.
NO, not on stage, let’s be serious! But unafraid of what people might think, wearing their heart on their sleeve and willing to take a chance to do something great. There are no guarantees in life. No absolutes, except death. Just thinking about living a life filled with love, hope and opportunity feels so much better than a life filled with criticism, fear and regret.
What do you choose?
A lot of us are unwilling to put ourselves out there for fear of rejection, criticism, failure or ridicule. We hide beneath the radar hoping to go unnoticed. I’m not suggesting that you take the stage on live TV and give it your best shot – unless that’s your thing – then go for it. But always playing it safe is suffocating. Flying below the radar will never allow us to reach the stars. Denying our own talents isn’t helping ourselves or serving anyone’s else – it’s a slow death.
And yet when we see it in others, we are super critical. It’s easy to sit behind a computer screen and pick apart their performances. Talk about the missed notes, the outfits, the coulda, woulda, shoulda’s, but is that really serving us?
The answer is NO!
It’s keeping us stuck and still playing small. When we criticize others, we live in fear that others will soon criticize us.
So many people are unwilling to admit they’ve made a mistake but Adele stops a live performance to start it over again so she can get it right – WOW! That’s love. That’s courage. That’s vulnerability.
In honor of Valentine’s Day, a day that’s all about love…I challenge you to invite more love into your life. Start with yourself. Love yourself – just the way you are! In all your amazingness. Know that you’re worthy and loved.
Love doesn’t come without risk, that’s where the courage and vulnerability come in. It’s celebrating love – whether you’re single or in a relationship. You can feel the love and celebrate it.
Love others. Spread some love to your neighbors, the cashier at the grocery store, the stranger at the post office, the person in line behind you at Starbucks. A smile, a compliment, holding the door, may be a coffee – can spread love into the world.
Happy Valentine’s Day! Regardless of how you celebrate, remember that all you need is a little love and courage.
xoxo,
Shawna
It’s been a long journey to get where I am today – I’m not where I want to be yet, but I’m so much further along than I ever thought possible. More than 30 years of self-hatred, never feeling good enough, always trying to hide and go unnoticed. Today, I’m so much more confident, I’m very happy with myself and the life I’ve built.
Part of this transformation is because I’ve discovered my own self-worth. I’ve realized that I am worthy regardless what others think. I have a voice and I will use it, even if people don’t want to hear it 
Another part is that I pay close attention to the external messages around me and in our society. I carefully choose what I allow in my world – what I absorb and how it makes me feel.
In the past I would absorb what the media, magazines, movies, commercials and people around me would say about themselves and other people. I took it all in as truth about my own worthiness. It did not make me feel very good. I felt inferior – especially about the messages of what women “should” look like.
There are many kinds of verbal violence that we encounter each day, but it’s how we respond that matters.
The Way You Speak To Yourself Matters
The way I would speak to myself could only be characterized as violent. The mildest thing I would say (quite often) was, “I’m so stupid. I can’t believe I did that” or “I’m such an asshole.” If that’s mild – imagine what the super harsh things were. Trust me, I would never say these things to another human being. NEVER!
This is not ok. The way you speak to yourself really effects how you feel about yourself.
I once witnessed a life changing experiment about what physically happens when you say negative things to yourself. The brave woman, the subject of the experiment, was super strong and physically fit. She was asked to tell the group what she believed about herself. Her response was positive; I believe she said she was “amazing and strong.” The facilitator asked her to put her arm straight out to her side while the facilitator tried to push her arm down to see if it would move. The woman’s arm was rock solid and it would not go down.
The facilitator then asked the woman to repeat 10 times (out loud) “I am disgusting and unworthy.” The woman shuttered at the request because she did not believe what she was asked to say. The facilitator wanted to demonstrate what you say to yourself matters.
After the woman repeated the nasty words 10 times, She was asked to put her arm out again and the facilitator was going to try to push it down. Her arm went down like a limp noodle!!! I couldn’t believe it. I was stunned! The things we say to ourselves really do have an effect on our bodies.
At the time I witnessed this experiment I had been working on not speaking negatively to myself for months, but this visual will be with me for the rest of my life.
So how do you stop the violence against yourself? First, be aware of how you talk to yourself. Listen to what you’re saying. Ask yourself why are you choosing to say such mean things? The answers may surprise you.
As a person who was verbally abusive to myself – I say “No More!” I deserve better and so do you.
The Way Other People Speak to Themselves Matters
Have you ever listened to how people talk to and about themselves, it’s frightening. Much like the way I used to speak to myself – they say horrible things about themselves in our presence. I’ve heard some of the following:
“I’ve gained so much weight. I need to go on a diet.”
“I look terrible.”
“I’m such an idiot.”
“I could never do what you’ve done.”
“When I lose weight, I’ll ….”
“If I were as gorgeous as (insert name here), I would be so happy.”
“I’m so poor. I can’t afford that.”
All of these things may not seem “violent” but they chip away at our self-esteem and self-worth. When we are around people who speak to themselves like this, it can make us feel bad about ourselves as well.
They’re not talking to us, but they are speaking negatively and we tend to think, “If she thinks she’s overweight, what does she think about me?” And so the shame starts… When people are being critical and negative towards themselves, we start to judge and criticize ourselves too.
So how can you handle this? I simply say, “Don’t talk to yourself like that” or “That’s not true.” Sometimes people look at me like I’m crazy. That’s fine. But it makes them think. Sometimes I will talk about how important it is to speak to ourselves with love and kindness.
Either way, I always feel compassion for someone speaking to themselves harshly because I know it’s rooted in a place of pain and self-criticism. I feel kindness and compassion for them and hope that one day they will be able to stop the violence.
I also make sure that I don’t absorb that negative message. It’s my way of caring for myself.
The Way People Speak About Other People Matters
Now, that I’m more aware I am careful not to let in negativity. I can create enough negativity on my own, I don’t need any help from outside sources.
Negativity comes in so many forms. I know that when we judge or criticize others, it comes from a place of insecurity or not feeling good enough. When we hear people putting down or judging others it can affect the way we feel about ourselves.
“She should not be wearing that bathing suit.”
“He’s an idiot.”
“She’s not that smart.”
“Her arms are so flabby.”
“Men are stronger than women.”
“She’s a terrible mother.”
Whether it’s a specific criticism or a generalization, it does not build anyone up. It only tears people down.
All people are beautiful. I truly believe that if we are happy with ourselves, then we wouldn’t criticize others. It’s only when we aren’t happy with ourselves that we seek to tear others down in a misguided attempt to feel better.
I make a very conscious effort to not say anything negative about myself or others around me. I also work very hard to not absorb negativity around me whether it’s in the media or in person.
All of the above comments could seem harmless, but they are detrimental to the person saying them and people listening. They can trigger shame within us and that has serious consequences.
How will you handle this? I have voiced my opinion that their words are not kind or true. I have said that I’m not going to listen to such talk and walked away from a conversation that I felt was inappropriate. I have asked the person why they are saying such hurtful things about another person.
Standing up for others is also standing up for myself. It strengthens my self-confidence and solidifies my values. I get to choose who and what I will allow around me, what enters my life and how it affects me. It’s my choice and I’m trying to choose wisely.
The Way Other People Speak To You Matters
I’ve spent a lifetime wanting to avoid confrontation. For me, this meant not speaking up when someone was disrespectful or condescending to me. I felt small and I allowed the ill-mannered behavior because I didn’t feel confident. I didn’t want to fight. I wasn’t secure enough to say that was not appropriate. I’ve heard the following:
“You’re a bitch.”
“Shut up!”
“You’re so stupid.”
“You have such a pretty face.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
These are just a few of the mild examples that I put up with in the past.
Until I realized that I was no longer going to accept that behavior. I had a voice and I was going to use it. I was no longer afraid.
It is not about being mad or angry, but I’m not going to sit and listen to someone put me down, call me names or claim superiority over me for any reason. Not gonna happen.
Here’s what I’ve learned since becoming a coach, I can’t control other people. It’s one of the best things I’ve ever learned. I can only control myself. I can set a boundary about what works for me and is in my best interest and following through with that boundary is the most loving thing I can do for myself.
So when I hear something that does not align with what’s in my best interest – I have a decision to make. Do I allow it into my world or do I use my voice to not accept it and walk away?
It’s about knowing my worth and my value.
The way we speak to ourselves, about others and to others become the verbal violence that our children hear and absorb. These messages will become their inner voice and they deserve to have a much nicer voice than my former inner dialogue or the things I hear people say every day. Think about it. Kids will think these examples are acceptable if we don’t show them that they are not.
What verbal violence do you allow in your life?
I can tell you that the more comfortable I am with myself, the less I’m inclined to listen to this nonsense. In the past few months I have:
- Stepped up to a man screaming at a woman in a grocery store and told him to stop speaking to her that way.
- Walked out of a restaurant with friends in the middle of dinner when the conversation was tearing people down.
- Had a heated argument with someone about the way they were talking about someone I love.
I will not sit by and watch someone verbally abuse another person. I will not stay in a situation where I feel that the conversation is derogatory. I will not allow those messages to become part of my inner dialogue.
It starts with you and feeling comfortable and confident with yourself. Let’s stand up, focus on our own self-worth and making the world a better place.
After a devastating breakup, I was humiliated, sad and emotionally unavailable. In the years that followed, I dated people, but never with my whole heart again. I had built a wall to prevent myself from being hurt again. Just for the record – this doesn’t really work ….it keeps the hurt out, but it also keeps the happiness out.
As with anything in life, with great risk, comes great reward. I wasn’t willing to risk it. I was choosing safety over reward at that point.
My sister would beg me to go speed dating and she would come with me – easy for her to say – she was married! She only wanted to be my wingman and she’s a great wingman. She would say, “It’ll be so much fun! Let’s go!”
I didn’t want to make a fool out of myself. What would I say in 60 seconds? I would freeze and look insane.
She would suggest that I try internet dating. I shot that down too! I’ve heard horror stories about online dating. Only weirdos are on the internet…
Until I became one of those weirdos…
On a whim I signed up for online dating and I immediately regretted that decision. I panicked as soon as I hit submit and realized that I had signed up for 6 months! What had I done?!?!
I thought no one is going to “wink” at me or message me. I was terrified! I feared rejection in general and now I’m put myself in a position to be rejected by the entire internet! I felt like I was so far out of my comfort zone that I would never be able to recover.
Then I went on a few dates. I can’t even remember anything about them. Clearly, sparks were not flying. But it got me out there. Out of my house. Out of my sad routine. Out of my comfort zone.
And then something amazing happened…
Eight years ago today, I went on my last first date. I didn’t know that at the time, but that’s what it will go down in history as.
I was so nervous and scared I practically chugged a beer the minute I sat down. We still laugh about that today, but it was not funny then.
I was able to enjoy our date that turned into hours of talking.
The next day, I was so afraid that he would not want to see me again that I lied to my sister when she asked how my date went. I told her it was ok, but I wasn’t sure I would want to go out with him again.
PANTS ON FIRE!
I was trying to protect myself from what other people would think – what if I said I liked him and he didn’t ask me out again? I was trying to avoid the humiliation and embarrassment of the past. I would have done anything to avoid that pain again.
But I did like him. We have spoken to each other every single day since that first date.
Over time I learned the difference between being scared because of actual physical harm or emotional pain.
I’ve come to see the emotional pain as the price I’m willing to pay for great love or taking a risk.
I wouldn’t trade time with my now husband, my family, playing with my nieces and nephews, spending time with parents, siblings, grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles, loving my dog, connecting with friends.
I’m willing to be scared thanks to a first date at Chili’s 8 years ago.
Since I’ve become willing to feel scared and take the next step anyway, I’ve had so many incredible things happen. I got married, I’ve become a Certified Coach and I’ve left my corporate career to start my own business.
I’m constantly scared, but it doesn’t stop me anymore.
Allowing fear to call the shots meant I would have missed the greatest person I’ve ever met. I would not have the amazing life we have built together. I’m not willing to miss out on other opportunities because of fear.
So what are you afraid of? Asking for a raise or a promotion? Changing careers? Going on a date?
You can do it! I’m here to help!
Almost 3 years ago, I was in gorgeous Savannah, Georgia with some of my favorite people. I was at one of my mentors, Susan Hyatt’s amazing retreats and we were talking about what was holding us back. Why are we not putting ourselves out in the world? Why are we playing small?
Everyone went around the room and talked about their fears, I remember feeling so honored to be surrounded by these women who understand and supported me. I listened to their fears and did my best to support them as they had done for me.
When it became my time to speak, I couldn’t. I burst into tears. Life coach hint – this means you’ve hit pay dirt – the truth is about to come spilling out.
I told them I was afraid that people would make fun of me. I was afraid I would write something or do a video and it would go viral (in a bad way) and I would be laughed at and humiliated. I told them I didn’t want to become a joke on Jimmy Fallon’s show.
Without missing a beat Susan Hyatt said, “Oh honey I could only wish that happens to you! That will mean you’ve made it! And they can send your checks to your beach house!”
I sat there snotty and stunned. Was she right? If something I said or did became that popular, would that be a good thing? What if I was embarrassed? What if they attacked my words, my opinion or worse, my appearance? Could I survive that?
I felt so much love and support from my friends and Susan at that moment that we ended up laughing about how incredible that would actually be. I mean, me with a beach house! HA! The thought had NEVER crossed my mind that I could own a beach house. NOT IN A MILLION YEARS!
Less than two months later, my husband and I had a contract on…you guessed it…a beach house!
The first person I told was Susan and she screamed – “GET OUT!”
So two and a half years later, I’m sitting in my very own beach house writing this blog.
Had I never discovered what was holding me back, I would have never uncovered the possibility of a beach house. Sharing that very real scary feeling was difficult to say the least and I have a really ugly cry – so it probably wasn’t a joy for them to watch either. But my friends held a safe place for me to reveal what was scaring me the most.
Every day I try my best to make decisions that are aligned with my highest good. I try to think, act and speak from my heart. I’m not always successful, but that’s my intention. The more I am authentically me, the easier things happen in my life.
I’m always grateful for that weekend and my friends. It allowed me to see myself in a new light, it made things less scary for me and it opened up the possibility for a beach house.
Surfs up!
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Fear Is Not Your Friend.
Many of us think that if we are afraid – we will do things better. If we are afraid of dying, then we’ll eat better and exercise more. If we are afraid of being homeless, we’ll work harder. If we’re afraid of being alone, we will see the good in our relationships. If we are afraid of being laughed at, we will we stay quiet.
We think fear will keep us safe. Keep us in check. Nothing could be further from the truth.
Fear does the exact opposite.
Fear erodes our dreams. Fear distracts is from our real work in the world and keeps us selling ourselves short.
I quit my corporate job a few months ago. I was stressed out and not as happy as I wanted to be for quite a while. I probably should have left a long time ago, but fear made me stay.
Fear kept me feeling small and fear kept telling me I couldn’t make it on my own.
Fear told me I couldn’t walk away from the money and perks.
Fear kept me from pursuing my dreams.
Fear kept me eating.
Fear kept me hustling for my worthiness.
Fear kept me stuck.
I had to finally ask myself – WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU AFRAID OF? My answer was simple. Everything. Fear of failure. Fear of success. Of myself. Of what could be. Of the unknown. Of being made fun of.
I gave fear all the power and I was left miserable and uninspired. I wanted guarantees. I wanted safety and security. I wrote about being my own safety recently (check it out here) and it’s a constant reminder that we are our own safety.
My whole life I’ve been tied to certainty. I’m a planner. I like answers. I do not like uncertainty at all. The reason is because I was unwilling to be vulnerable. Uncertainly requires that you snuggle up with vulnerability. And leaving my corporate job, the life I have known for the last 20 years was uncertain. I was amazing at my job. I KNEW that. I liked that certainty.
Starting my own consulting company and focusing on my coaching full time is uncertain. There’s risk involved.
Here’s what I know.
I am willing to fail. There is no failure in following my heart and my passion. I can’t possibly fail at that.
I am willing to work. I’m a hard worker. I’ve spent the last 20 years making companies successful with my expertise, now it’s time I create my own success.
My path is not paved out to retirement. It’s paved for the next few months and every day it extends out even further…and that’s ok.
I KNOW I’m a great coach. I KNOW I help people transform their lives.
I am willing to embrace uncertainty and see where it leads me. I don’t have to have it all figured out right now.
Stop letting fear drive your life. Kick it out of the driver’s seat and take over! Fear is a natural part of human emotion. But it’s not helpful if it’s running our lives. Fear was intended to keep us safe from predators as our survival instinct. It’s not meant to be turned on all day every day as a way of life. When we allow this to happen it’s toxic to our minds, hearts and souls.
You and I deserve better. We can do this. I’ve got your back!
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Perfection is what a lot of people strive for – but the truth is that is makes us crazy. We aim for perfection as a way to avoid being criticized. We think that if we are “perfect” then we will not be criticized – not true. People will always find a reason to be critical.
Perfection is an excuse. We use it to rationalize why we don’t have what we want in our lives. We’re not the perfect weight, we don’t have the perfect amount of money in the bank, or we don’t have the perfect relationship. What are we waiting for? Life is passing us by if we are waiting on perfect.
Perfection is a shield. We use it to sabotage ourselves. If I’m not perfect, how could I possibly ask for a promotion or a raise or a date? We use perfection to protect us from disappointment, but the reality is that we end up living in disappointment all the time because we do not go after what’s in our hearts.
So what’s the contrast to perfect? Settling? Absolutely NOT.
Perfection is a lie! No one is perfect. Settling is believing that you don’t deserve better or you aren’t good enough right now.
Love and acceptance are what’s in between. Knowing that you’re worthy just the way you are. Nothing needs to change in order for you to be good enough.
When you get sucked into the perfection trap – here’s what you can do to get out:
- Pick a positive mantra to repeat to yourself and say it 25 times per day. Mine personal mantra is “I am amazing.” Please feel free to steal it…
- Remember that what other people think about you is none of your business. Because when you’re not focused on what other people think – you can move on with what’s really important to you.
- Speak to yourself with kindness and compassion. Speak like you would a small child or a dear friend. You would never berate or yell at someone you love when they are hurting. Don’t do it to yourself.
- When in doubt, always be grateful. Show yourself some love for all of the amazing things that you are doing.
If you want to make changes – awesome, but do it from a place of worthiness. Do it from a knowing place in your soul that you are a wonderful person – and that you can be good enough and not be at your natural weight. When you make changes from a place of love and acceptance, you will feel better and the result will be to take better care of yourself. It’s a win-win scenario.
About 2 years ago I took a course with the incredible Nona Jordan to “Get Right with Money.” Sort of Funny because I’m a CPA (like Nona), but that doesn’t mean I don’t have irrational fears about finances (or other things, but that’s for another blog). In fact, I had no idea that I had any fears about money until I took that course.
One day she asked me what money meant to me and I quickly said “safety/security” before she could even finish her question. She proceeded to tell me that money was not my safety – that I was my own safety. Her words did not compute with me.
She asked me if I knew that all of the money I had in the bank could disappear with the stroke of a key – it could all get wiped out. I was paralyzed. I didn’t hear another word she said. I froze in complete and total terror. I had to go back and listen to her recording.
Once I was able to start breathing again, I realized that I had a DEEP belief that money equaled safety. I had no idea that fear was driving my every action. I simply thought that the harder I worked and the more money I saved, I would be “safe.”
When I was listened to the recording, Nona explained that if all of my money was wiped out, I would be able to go out and make more money. I was capable of doing whatever was necessary to support myself. I was still skeptical. It sounded like a bunch of crazy talk to me. I wasn’t totally buying what she was telling me. I decided to investigate…
I had no idea that not everyone shared my belief. When I started to consider the source of my money fears, I was able to see who shared my belief and who did not.
Over the last few years, I’ve been experimenting with this concept that I am my own safety. And I’ve realized that in more ways than one, Nona was right.
I can do difficult things. I don’t have to live with fear. I get to decide how I feel about myself, my money, my body and my life.
And since my life is all about living BARE these days, it only made sense that this perfectly fell into place. BARE is about taking care of oneself from a place of love. Not allowing fear to drive our decisions. Living a bigger, braver, more courageous life.
Here’s what I want you to know.
Be your own safety.
You can do it.
Take the leap of faith and trust that you’ll fly.
You can do tough things.
Ask yourself what do you think keeps you safe? Safe from harm or criticism? Safe from failure? Then ask yourself if that’s really true…
I recently went to my high school reunion. Did I mention it was my 25 year reunion??? It sounds so old to me. How did this happen? Life happens and then it’s your 25 year reunion
This is the first time I’ve ever been to a reunion. I didn’t feel like I had anything to share 5 years after I graduated. I was still in college and I saw everyone at $1 Bud Night anyway. I didn’t hear anything about the 10 or 15 year reunions and I didn’t want to go to my 20 year reunion.
There’s something about high school reunions that brings up your shit! No question. I was nervous and had a lot of fear. Mostly crazy scenarios built up in my head. Kind of like the dreams/nightmares that people have where they are naked in front of the whole school or they forget to go to school for almost the entire year and they don’t graduate. My fears were similar but seemed so real.
I was worried that no one would remember me – that I wasn’t memorable enough.
Or that I didn’t look good because I have gained weight since I graduated. And that people would be whispering about how bad I looked.
I did a lot of self coaching around this. I came to realize that all the fears were blown WAY out of proportion and that if I wanted to go, I could go and have a great time!
If people didn’t remember me, well maybe I wasn’t friends with them or maybe they have a bad memory. It’s not a reflection of me. And if they don’t remember me – that’s ok too. I may not remember them. It’s all good. We are talking about 25 years ago…not everyone will remember everything.
Maybe people were talking about how I look these days. Eleanor Roosevelt said it best, “What other people think of me is none of my business.”
I thought everyone looked great and looked the same as they did in high school. I was so incredibly happy to see them again.
We laughed a lot! And we talked a lot. We covered the main topics:
- Where we live now and what we do for a living
- Births and deaths
- Breakups, marriages and divorces
- Memories & stories that others had been forgotten
- New names we call ourselves these days
- How different we are today than when we were in high school and how grateful for all of the lessons we’ve learned along the way
- Where we’ve been and what we’ve done for the last 25 years
We talked about life and what matters. No one was judging each other like teens tend to do in high school. We are all adults now. We were interested in knowing each other’s paths.
The one thing we didn’t have to say is how happy we were to see each other – it was obvious. All of the laughing, hugging, kissing and drinking gave away how incredible it was to be reconnected. I am genuinely overjoyed to see them again after 25 years. Facebook is nice to help people feel somewhat connected, but nothing can substitute a face to face catch up and hug!
I’m so glad I was able to get past all the crazy thoughts that could have kept me home. And did keep me home in the past.
One thing I found interesting is that I heard some people say they were nervous about going to the reunion too. They had similar fears – what if they didn’t recognize anyone or worse, what if they don’t get recognized. It’s a shared fear. We are hard wired for love and belonging and what if we get to the reunion and no one recognizes us – it can feel like we don’t belong.
One thing I know for sure is that the Paint Branch Panthers 25 year reunion was incredible and everyone belonged. We were one.
Going to this reunion and reconnecting with my friends that I’ve known for so many years – some since kindergarten – was the best decision I’ve made in a while! It made me feel so much happiness, joy and love!
Looking at the shit that is scaring us and acknowledging it, is not easy. But if you don’t, it will keep you small and hiding and you’ll miss out on life and the connection that we all truly crave. Don’t allow fear to keep you hiding. Moving past it and it can lead you to some of the best experiences of your life.
And to think I almost didn’t go…now that would have been a real heartbreak.
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by Guest Blogger Janet Jones
When someone talks about Courage, I usually get the image of a handsome Disney hero, in armor jumping over moats to a castle under attack by fire breathing dragon. I see him making amazing leaps and having unbelievable swordsmanship and unwavering commitment to save the princess inside no matter what happens to him.
But in my own quest for more courage , when I asked myself what I am like when I am at my most courageous – it is nothing at all like that picture. First of all, I’m a woman – Do you have more courage if you are a man? Secondly, I barely have the upper body strength to hold a sword, much less swing it around and stab a dragon with it – Do you have more courage if you are physically strong?
When I looked back on things I am exceptionally proud of, I realized not only had they all required courage, but that in the midst of the courage I had been awkward and uncomfortable. I was squirming around and more often than not and chewing my cuticles. And instead of rescuing anyone by slaying anything, my proudest accomplishments had been in just saying something.
For example: I’m actually pretty proud of the time I called my ex-mother-in-law and apologized for blaming her for everything that went wrong in my relationship with her son. Maybe that doesn’t sound like such a big deal to you, but it took some serious girding of my loins. My father, when he heard about my plan, gave me a barrage of metaphors about what happens to people who try to pet wild animals.
But I desperately wanted to put it all behind me – to have the freedom that inevitably comes with real forgiveness. I was less scared of her and mainly scared of my own reactivity in the conversation – of getting really angry again or of hearing some very harsh things said about my character that I didn’t want to hear. But with my eyes on what it would mean for me to have forgiveness for all that, I finally, after a week of squirming, called her. We had a great conversation and I was a nervous bumbling mess the whole time.
With that as my template for courageous behavior, I made a lot of progress. I started saying a lot of things and having some really liberating conversations with lots of people. And then, with this information in hand, my inner mean girl (or IMG to borrow a phrase from Shawna O’Hagan Morrow, a dear friend and a fabulous life coach), said “you are still not courageous enough”…
I don’t know what it is like for you, but my inner mean girl always believes I’m not enough. That’s why she is so damned mean. To her, I’m not enough of anything. So when it came to courage, I was a coward unless I was courageous about everything. So unless I really was willing to be on the front line against a fire-breathing dragon I was just a big baby.
If I’m a big baby, then I’m also not old enough to play with the big girls. I’m not strong enough. I’m not smart enough. I’m not tall enough. I’m not fit enough. I’m not on-time enough. And by the way, nobody likes hanging out with big babies anyway, so just give up now. She’s not called the inner mean girl for nothing.
The whole concept of courage turned into a pushing, sweating, grunting effort while I screamed “Buck up Buttercup!” to myself…(That’s another phrase I stole from Shawna…)
So I spent the next bit of time (2 years) feeling like I had to dare myself, to scare myself, to push my inner big baby out of the crib. And what I found was that all that squirming and cuticle biting disappeared and turned into a giant tub of ice cream I could hide in. Because if I wasn’t going to “be courageous” then I was a failure and I suddenly had something of which I was ashamed. (Ewww – shame drives us to do just about all of the horrible things we do to ourselves!).
That’s when Shawna and I began to work together on the topic of Shame. It was last summer. It sucked. It was a horrible, smelly swamp of stuff to confront and muddle our way through. I never even thought whether it took courage to do that – again, I was completely focused on what life would be like if I looked at this stuff straight-on. And that turns out to have been the difference I discovered that made a huge difference in how I lived my life.
It’s easy to take all this very life-coachy advice about daring greatly and summoning your courage on a regular basis and let your IMG twist it into yet another way you don’t measure up. That’s what my inner mean girl does best.
But what I’ve found through my work with Shawna is that being courageous isn’t a pissing contest or an endurance sport. It’s much more lighthearted: like getting on a roller coaster. And now I have a simple checklist that helps me summon my courage from a place of enoughness – from a place where it might actually make a difference to loving your life. I ask myself, about this thing that I think requires courage, Does this feel like a competition or like riding a roller coaster for me? Is it:
- Tempting from the outside looking in? Does it look like fun? Does it feel good for me?
- Exciting while waiting in line/doing the dreary or tedious bits of prep?
- Sort of scary as the handlebars go “kachunk” down on me in your seat?/I sign a contract/I make a firm commitment/I promise someone something?
- Agonizing as I feel it s-l-o-w-l-y climbing/building up to “it” (I want my mommy!)
- Wildly all of these and more feelings as I am hurtled through the air/actually do the thing itself
- Thrilled when I am done and yet filled with that “again! Again! Again!” feeling like I am five years old again?
If I’m facing a challenge that I think I need courage also meets this criteria, my courage will always be with me – even when I’m scared witless – it just shows up when I remind myself. If I’m challenging myself because my IMG says I’m not enough – then my only choice is to coerce, shove, and otherwise bribe and white-knuckle my way through it and that is not fun and its pretty demotivating in the long run.
If the only sense of aliveness I get out of doing the thing is the relief of having survived an ordeal, then I’m just abusing the drug of adrenaline. If I am already enough, with my current zone of comfort, to live and love my life just as it is, then dipping a toe just outside the zone is born of curiosity and growth and has no void of “not enough” to fill.
What would your courage checklist look like? These are the kinds of topics and activities Shawna and I want to explore in our upcoming Courage Camp this summer and we hope you’ll join us!
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